It doesn't make sense

There's something it took me a long time to realize about my depression: It doesn't make sense. Now, to me, that's incredibly frustrating. I like things to be quantified, analyzable and logical. Depression isn't really any of those things.

Depression doesn't really seem to follow a recognizable cycle. And sometimes, when there's all sorts of crap going on in my life, my depression isn't really that bad, while sometimes everything is going great and I feel awful.  And, of course, vice versa.

So, what does this mean? First, I would say, don't get hung up on trying to figure out WHY you're depressed. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain. There's often not much rhyme or reason to it. And beating yourself up trying to answer the "why" can end up making you feel just that much worse. Second, focus on things that can make you feel better (as opposed to why you feel bad). I'll talk more in my next post about this, but there are things (and they're different for each person) that you can do to drag yourself out of the hole you're in.

Lastly, don't blame yourself for the way you feel. That will be--at best--unproductive, and can really make things a lot worse. Depression isn't a figment of your imagination, and it's not a result of something you did (or didn't) do. Would you be to blame if you had MS or another physically debilitating disease? Of course not. Depression is a disease, and it can be a debilitating one. It just is a lot easier to hide from others.

Better days, worse days

I was talking the other day with a friend who reminded me of a common misconception about depression.

Depression, the kind we're talking about here, isn't a situational, occasional thing. It is a chronic thing. Situations can (and do) make it better or worse, but it's never gone. It's not something that goes away.

If "normal emotions" was a line on a graph, the depressed person's "normal" would fall anywhere from a little bit to a whole lot lower than that. So too, the peaks and valleys of the emotional roller coaster of life are pretty much always a little lower than they would be for someone without depression.

I guess, in the simplest terms, there is no day that depression doesn't affect me. Some days it's better; some days it's worse. But it's always there.

Now, this doesn't mean I'm never truly happy! I surely am! It just makes it a lot easier to fall from happy back to something else, and maybe a little harder to get there in the first place.

Anyway, all this to say, part of what makes struggling with depression extra difficult is the constant expectation from others that we will "snap out of it" or "get better". We won't. That's not how this works. Anyone with depression already knows this. To you, I say, don't give up. If you love someone who struggles with depression, know that it IS a struggle, and that the road is long. Don't think that the first mountain you make it to with them means the valleys are all behind you. Be ready to take their hand again and face the darkness of the valley together; they'll need you.

Welcome

First things first: Go read my story by clicking the "My Story" tab (clever, I know).

Done that? Good.

This blog is a place where I will honestly present my experiences with depression and suicide, both my own and--with their permissions and changed names--people I've known. It is my hope that by being open, I can encourage a culture of openness that will cultivate healing and support where there has too long been condemnation, ignorance and exclusion.

Whether you yourself (have) struggle(d) with depression or you simply care for someone who does, I hope to walk with you on this journey and maybe we'll all learn something.

Feel free to comment or to e-mail me to talk about anything.