I was diagnosed with depression at, I think, 13 years of age. So, for more than half my life now, I've known the name for the little niggling voice in my mind that tells me I'm worth nothing, the feelings I have that I will never succeed and that nothing I do makes a difference. Over 17 years I've learned to fight back, to find support, to speak the truth to myself, and find others who will speak it to me.
It has been a long road. It has been a hard road. Part of what made it harder was the insistence in a lot of Evangelical circles to pretend that depression is not a thing. It is, the reasoning goes, a weakness. It is, they would tell me, a lack of faith. If I, church culture cried, would just pray more, I would feel better. For a long time, I have hated this. Now, what little I can offer, I have realized needs to be offered.
There have been times that little voice has convinced me that without me, the world wouldn't be any different than it is with me. There have been times I've considered suicide. I have scared the daylights out of friends and family. Those who know me, know that this is real. So I'm here to let you get to know me a little bit. To hear my story. If you are someone who struggles with depression or thoughts of suicide, I hope I can encourage you. If you are someone who loves a person struggling with those things, I hope I can give you some tools to use in your care for them, and warn you against some of the stupid things that people can say and do with the best of intentions.
As I begin this journey, I need you to know that wherever you are, I welcome any further questions, any stories, any cries for help. We are in this thing called life together. And we need to learn to deal with the bad times, because depression is a thing.
Randy, I can't even tell you how frustrated I have been by the same attitudes that you talk about- depression as weakness, as something to be hushed up and ignored and gotten over as quickly as possible. I'm glad you're putting your own experiences out in the open, because Christians need to learn that part of loving their brother is making the effort to understand them and to work with the reality of their struggles, NOT demand that we all fix ourselves before we're fit to be part of God's people.
ReplyDeletelooking forward to reading your blog...i myself was diagnosed with depression shortly after my oldest was born but looking back it has been a part of my life for as far back as i can remember...i just wasn't aware of it. My daughter has also been struggling with depression since a very young age and now at almost 40 and 18 we are both in a good spot which means little more than we are aware and have a support system in place. I have lived both all three sides of depression... i was raised by a mother with undiagnosed depression, i myself live with it and i have and am contenting to raise a child with depression. IT IS A REAL THING!
ReplyDeleteRandy, thank you so much for having the courage to write this. I'm so grateful for your willingness to be intentionally open and honest to create change. I have friend struggling with depression and I am grateful for your perspective and encouragement and your insight helps me to be a better friend.
ReplyDeleteWell said! Thanks for being vulnerable and honest. I have a relative who committed suicide and it's still hard to talk about.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever want a guest entry, I know a girl who is a decent writer and who had a brother who scared the daylight out of her a few times
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing, Randy. As someone struggling with depression myself, I've also sensed the assumption that depression is a personal failure rather than a clinical problem, and I know how discouraging and damaging this can be. The church needs to be welcoming to people in their brokenness, and I think that too often people don't feel that they can show their weaknesses there, which is exactly the opposite of how it should be. Thank you for speaking out.
ReplyDeleteI am looking forward to reading your posts. However, I may have some trouble since I am still seeing you as the sweet little guy I knew at Fort Polk....
ReplyDeleteI love the title of your blog Randy. Every time I read it, I expect it to make a judgment on depression. Then it just says it's "a thing". I love that. The simplicity says a lot. Depression is real. And it's not quite understandable (like you said in your last post). And no use downplaying it, either, as some try to do--it is a thing. Love it.
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