No, this isn't a self-deprecating attempt to garner your praises. It's an explanation of part of the reason I don't post as often as some of you (and, honestly, I) would like.
It's hard.
Well, there it is. It seems that it is best for me to write something when I'm not actively bogged down in my depression, since I can usually at least attempt to have a level of objectivity then. So I try to write when I'm feeling pretty good. Or at least OK.
The nasty paradox there is that when I start to think about and analyze my story, my experience and my feelings, I start feeling worse and worse. So, when I'm feeling pretty good, I don't want to make things worse by over-thinking everything.
At the same time, I think this is a really good thing, both for me and--with any luck--for others, so I do want to keep doing it.
All that to say, it kind of sucks.
But no, I haven't given up on it. I will keep posting. I have a few entries in the works already. I just wanted to say that the interval between posts will probably always vary, and that sometimes it might be a good while. But I'll be back.
Thanks for reading, and thanks to the many of you who have given feedback, shared your own stories and encouraged me!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Eschewing Perfection
One of the things that really messes with me is the pressure, both from within and from outside myself, to be perfect. To name a few: I must earn good grades, find a well-paying and interesting job, write flawlessly, perform brilliantly in all social interactions, never let anyone down and always be happy.
Right.
And I know it happens to you, too. This is one of the most destructive lies we tell ourselves. Because we will either be constantly stressed and under pressure to achieve, or we will become consumed by whatever ways (real or perceived) we may fail.
As I said, these expectations can come from two sources: myself and others. In most cases, though, the pressure from others is really coming from me, too.
If you find yourself feeling constantly under pressure from others to be perfect, examine yourself first. Are those expectations really coming from someone else? Or are they projections onto others of your own expectations? Do you expect that they'll have expectations, and therefore bury yourself under pressure they may not even be exerting?
If, though, the pressure really is coming from someone else (family is generally the biggest culprit in this, particularly parents), you can--and, really, need to--work on adjusting those relationships. Talk to your parents and tell them you feel overwhelmed by how much they expect from you. Tell your friend that you do care about them, but you can't constantly be everything to them. If you're lucky enough to have a healthy working environment, talk to your boss about what's realistic and what's fantasy in terms of production. You can't always fix things, and sometimes relationships need to be sidelined if they are having a toxic effect on you. But you should certainly try.
If it turns out the pressure is all from yourself, well, that's harder. You have to live in your head 24/7. But you have to learn to let go. Set realistic goals. Have a reward system for achieving them. Don't expect to be perfect, and don't hate yourself when you aren't. No one else does. Love yourself for the skills and abilities you have. Be thankful for what you have and where you are, for what you can do and the difference you can make. And when you mess up, forgive yourself and learn to move forward to the next thing.
Because idealism (that is, expecting the ideal) is paralyzing. How many people never start something because the idea isn't ever quite good enough? It could be a project, a relationship, a business. I've done it, with all of those. If I don't start, I can't fail, right? But that's the thing: almost every good thing you can do/have/learn/experience requires risk. Yeah, I might fail. But what about what I might achieve? If I never start, I'll never know. Is that really worth the "comfort" of playing it safe?
No, it's really not. Think about the things in your life you wouldn't have if you'd always taken the easy road. Let them encourage you to go and do, to risk and be free.
So expect yourself to be good. Expect yourself to do your best. Do what you can. But don't expect yourself to be perfect.
Right.
And I know it happens to you, too. This is one of the most destructive lies we tell ourselves. Because we will either be constantly stressed and under pressure to achieve, or we will become consumed by whatever ways (real or perceived) we may fail.
As I said, these expectations can come from two sources: myself and others. In most cases, though, the pressure from others is really coming from me, too.
If you find yourself feeling constantly under pressure from others to be perfect, examine yourself first. Are those expectations really coming from someone else? Or are they projections onto others of your own expectations? Do you expect that they'll have expectations, and therefore bury yourself under pressure they may not even be exerting?
If, though, the pressure really is coming from someone else (family is generally the biggest culprit in this, particularly parents), you can--and, really, need to--work on adjusting those relationships. Talk to your parents and tell them you feel overwhelmed by how much they expect from you. Tell your friend that you do care about them, but you can't constantly be everything to them. If you're lucky enough to have a healthy working environment, talk to your boss about what's realistic and what's fantasy in terms of production. You can't always fix things, and sometimes relationships need to be sidelined if they are having a toxic effect on you. But you should certainly try.
If it turns out the pressure is all from yourself, well, that's harder. You have to live in your head 24/7. But you have to learn to let go. Set realistic goals. Have a reward system for achieving them. Don't expect to be perfect, and don't hate yourself when you aren't. No one else does. Love yourself for the skills and abilities you have. Be thankful for what you have and where you are, for what you can do and the difference you can make. And when you mess up, forgive yourself and learn to move forward to the next thing.
Because idealism (that is, expecting the ideal) is paralyzing. How many people never start something because the idea isn't ever quite good enough? It could be a project, a relationship, a business. I've done it, with all of those. If I don't start, I can't fail, right? But that's the thing: almost every good thing you can do/have/learn/experience requires risk. Yeah, I might fail. But what about what I might achieve? If I never start, I'll never know. Is that really worth the "comfort" of playing it safe?
No, it's really not. Think about the things in your life you wouldn't have if you'd always taken the easy road. Let them encourage you to go and do, to risk and be free.
So expect yourself to be good. Expect yourself to do your best. Do what you can. But don't expect yourself to be perfect.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Dream
I often forget how to dream.
At one time, there were untold wonders before me, career paths to explore, places to go, ways to change the world.
Now, there is today, tomorrow and maybe next week, or even next year. I can plan. But I don't often dream.
Through a series of painful and frustrating circumstances, many of the dreams I had were dashed, and the agony that caused made me never want to hope in anything again. It's safer, I reasoned, to never have those dreams, to simply take life as it comes and thus never again be so brutally disappointed.
But what I've found is that, without dreams, ALL of life is a disappointment. If you have nothing to believe in, nothing to pursue, then everything begins to feel like a giant waste of time. When that happens, my mindset becomes the very epitome of that old saying: "Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die." Whether I were to die "tomorrow" or in 50 years, I have already given up.
And so, it seems to me that it is a part of being human to need to dream. To look longingly into the unknown future and mold it, ever so gently, with the imagination. It may not happen the way we've crafted it, but it WILL happen, and we'd better still be going when it gets here.
I still struggle with this, very often, if not daily. I find it hard to believe that the future can be better than today. It's been a long time since I was full of hope. But even on the worst days, I have learned to cling for dear life to the last shreds of dreaming, knowing that, tomorrow, or the next day, or next week, I will need to continue building them back up.
I have found nothing so profound to get me through my darkest days than to dream. Try it with me. You will face disappointment. But never let all hope pass away. Tomorrow is coming.
At one time, there were untold wonders before me, career paths to explore, places to go, ways to change the world.
Now, there is today, tomorrow and maybe next week, or even next year. I can plan. But I don't often dream.
Through a series of painful and frustrating circumstances, many of the dreams I had were dashed, and the agony that caused made me never want to hope in anything again. It's safer, I reasoned, to never have those dreams, to simply take life as it comes and thus never again be so brutally disappointed.
But what I've found is that, without dreams, ALL of life is a disappointment. If you have nothing to believe in, nothing to pursue, then everything begins to feel like a giant waste of time. When that happens, my mindset becomes the very epitome of that old saying: "Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die." Whether I were to die "tomorrow" or in 50 years, I have already given up.
And so, it seems to me that it is a part of being human to need to dream. To look longingly into the unknown future and mold it, ever so gently, with the imagination. It may not happen the way we've crafted it, but it WILL happen, and we'd better still be going when it gets here.
I still struggle with this, very often, if not daily. I find it hard to believe that the future can be better than today. It's been a long time since I was full of hope. But even on the worst days, I have learned to cling for dear life to the last shreds of dreaming, knowing that, tomorrow, or the next day, or next week, I will need to continue building them back up.
I have found nothing so profound to get me through my darkest days than to dream. Try it with me. You will face disappointment. But never let all hope pass away. Tomorrow is coming.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Don't run
For me, one of the most persistent lies I've believed--and acted on--about my depression is that it's something I can run away from.
This has looked different at different times. Sometimes, it's meant avoiding personal relationships, since they can bring me down. Other times, it was obsessing over one relationship or other, hoping and praying that it would be the one that could actually make me happy. Still other times, it was changing majors or schools in an effort to find something new, something exciting, something accepting. And yet other times, it was diving into a book or television series to the exclusion of most thoughts of reality, to be somewhere with people I could know, but where I didn't have to be known.
In any of these cases, a few things happened. First, I was really no happier (maybe temporarily, at best) when I was running away. Secondly, looking for fulfillment in those things only made things worse. Life without relationships is meaningless and miserable. Focusing all your hope on ONE person will always end in disappointment; no one can provide all that you need. The "right" activity, interest, hobby, whatever, can help give you direction, but it's not a total fulfillment. And, obviously, fiction isn't reality, and can't truly change yours.
As I've talked about, relationships are important. So are activities, things to engage your mind and keep you active. Distractions can be very useful, so long as they don't consume you.
The biggest problem with running away is that it's a waste of energy, which is often a pretty limited resource for someone struggling with depression. That, and it provides a false hope of a quick fix.
There is no quick fix to being depressed. It's a long road. It's a battle, pretty much every day. I get tired of fighting. Half the time, I'm worn before the day even begins. But life goes on, and I have to keep going. And I can.
So can you!
This has looked different at different times. Sometimes, it's meant avoiding personal relationships, since they can bring me down. Other times, it was obsessing over one relationship or other, hoping and praying that it would be the one that could actually make me happy. Still other times, it was changing majors or schools in an effort to find something new, something exciting, something accepting. And yet other times, it was diving into a book or television series to the exclusion of most thoughts of reality, to be somewhere with people I could know, but where I didn't have to be known.
In any of these cases, a few things happened. First, I was really no happier (maybe temporarily, at best) when I was running away. Secondly, looking for fulfillment in those things only made things worse. Life without relationships is meaningless and miserable. Focusing all your hope on ONE person will always end in disappointment; no one can provide all that you need. The "right" activity, interest, hobby, whatever, can help give you direction, but it's not a total fulfillment. And, obviously, fiction isn't reality, and can't truly change yours.
As I've talked about, relationships are important. So are activities, things to engage your mind and keep you active. Distractions can be very useful, so long as they don't consume you.
The biggest problem with running away is that it's a waste of energy, which is often a pretty limited resource for someone struggling with depression. That, and it provides a false hope of a quick fix.
There is no quick fix to being depressed. It's a long road. It's a battle, pretty much every day. I get tired of fighting. Half the time, I'm worn before the day even begins. But life goes on, and I have to keep going. And I can.
So can you!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Friends and Family
Happy New Year!
In my last post, I talked about some of the activities that can help me back to "normalcy" when I'm in the midst of depression. I hope that some of you who've been reading along have come up with a few of those in your own lives as well.
I mentioned, though, that there are times when--even though I know I need to--I can't get myself to actually DO any of the things that will help. When that happens, it's important for me to have people, friends and family, who can and will step in.
Now, it is important to note here that depression doesn't only affect the people who actually struggle with it. The people who love us suffer, too. It's not the same, certainly, but I find that I can be remarkably selfish in pretending that I'm the only one who's hurting. So never take for granted the people who care for you; I know that I do that too often.
Anyway, I need to have people who know me, who know what "normal" looks like, what the "trouble signs" are, and who give enough of a crap to help. I've been unspeakably fortunate to have many such people in most of the stages of my life where I needed them.
Help looks different in different circumstances, and sometimes there's not much to be done but simply be willing to sit with me and let me know I'm not alone.
If you don't have people like that in your life, I cannot overstate the benefits to your heart and soul to letting people in and letting them love you. It is difficult for most people--myself included--to really let down the walls and really be open and vulnerable with others. But if you find a person or a few you can truly trust, it is very much worth it. It's risky (relationships always are!), but it can bring so much good to you. And to them.
If you're someone who doesn't suffer directly from depression, realize that it's hard to ask for help. Know that it is a huge step of trust when someone shares their pain with you. I know it's hard to deal with us at times, but we need you, and even if/when we fail to tell you how much it means to us, you're making a difference.
In my last post, I talked about some of the activities that can help me back to "normalcy" when I'm in the midst of depression. I hope that some of you who've been reading along have come up with a few of those in your own lives as well.
I mentioned, though, that there are times when--even though I know I need to--I can't get myself to actually DO any of the things that will help. When that happens, it's important for me to have people, friends and family, who can and will step in.
Now, it is important to note here that depression doesn't only affect the people who actually struggle with it. The people who love us suffer, too. It's not the same, certainly, but I find that I can be remarkably selfish in pretending that I'm the only one who's hurting. So never take for granted the people who care for you; I know that I do that too often.
Anyway, I need to have people who know me, who know what "normal" looks like, what the "trouble signs" are, and who give enough of a crap to help. I've been unspeakably fortunate to have many such people in most of the stages of my life where I needed them.
Help looks different in different circumstances, and sometimes there's not much to be done but simply be willing to sit with me and let me know I'm not alone.
If you don't have people like that in your life, I cannot overstate the benefits to your heart and soul to letting people in and letting them love you. It is difficult for most people--myself included--to really let down the walls and really be open and vulnerable with others. But if you find a person or a few you can truly trust, it is very much worth it. It's risky (relationships always are!), but it can bring so much good to you. And to them.
If you're someone who doesn't suffer directly from depression, realize that it's hard to ask for help. Know that it is a huge step of trust when someone shares their pain with you. I know it's hard to deal with us at times, but we need you, and even if/when we fail to tell you how much it means to us, you're making a difference.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Do things
I apologize for not having posted
for quite some time now. Ironically enough, I went through a period of more
intense depression for a good chunk of October, and even once it was past, I
couldn't get back into this. It took the hounding of a very dear friend to get
me back at the keyboard. Anyway, we're back in business, so here goes:
I've found that a lot of dealing
with depression has to happen when I'm not actually feeling depressed.
For example, in the last post, I
mentioned activities that you can do to try to drag yourself out of a
depression. For me, a couple of examples are playing my guitar, reading a good
book, going for a walk. I need to engage my mind in something besides
self-recrimination and doubt, and to get my body moving. Other people I know
find that video games, sports (watching or playing), creating something (art,
music, whatever) or being around friends and family can help.
The problem is that it took me a
long time to realize what the things were that could help me back toward
"normalcy." Because when I'm in the midst of an episode of more severe
depression, none of those things sound good to me. I don't want to do them.
When depressed, I have an amazing to capacity to do absolutely nothing but
sit/lay around my room and think. So it took realizing that these were things
that give me joy when I'm feeling OK, and that if I force myself to do them
when I feel terrible, it might just help.
Now, it doesn't always, and
sometimes I can't convince myself to do any of them, and that's where friends
and family come in, which I'll talk about next time.
But the times when I can force
myself to read a good book, go for a walk or pick up my guitar, it's been
really helpful in my process of getting out of the profundity of depression I
face off and on. I would encourage you to take note of a few things that make
you happy and bring you joy now, so the next time you find yourself in a bad
place, you'll at least have some tools at your disposal that might just help
you out of that place.
Monday, September 24, 2012
It doesn't make sense
There's something it took me a long time to realize about my depression: It doesn't make sense. Now, to me, that's incredibly frustrating. I like things to be quantified, analyzable and logical. Depression isn't really any of those things.
Depression doesn't really seem to follow a recognizable cycle. And sometimes, when there's all sorts of crap going on in my life, my depression isn't really that bad, while sometimes everything is going great and I feel awful. And, of course, vice versa.
So, what does this mean? First, I would say, don't get hung up on trying to figure out WHY you're depressed. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain. There's often not much rhyme or reason to it. And beating yourself up trying to answer the "why" can end up making you feel just that much worse. Second, focus on things that can make you feel better (as opposed to why you feel bad). I'll talk more in my next post about this, but there are things (and they're different for each person) that you can do to drag yourself out of the hole you're in.
Lastly, don't blame yourself for the way you feel. That will be--at best--unproductive, and can really make things a lot worse. Depression isn't a figment of your imagination, and it's not a result of something you did (or didn't) do. Would you be to blame if you had MS or another physically debilitating disease? Of course not. Depression is a disease, and it can be a debilitating one. It just is a lot easier to hide from others.
Depression doesn't really seem to follow a recognizable cycle. And sometimes, when there's all sorts of crap going on in my life, my depression isn't really that bad, while sometimes everything is going great and I feel awful. And, of course, vice versa.
So, what does this mean? First, I would say, don't get hung up on trying to figure out WHY you're depressed. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain. There's often not much rhyme or reason to it. And beating yourself up trying to answer the "why" can end up making you feel just that much worse. Second, focus on things that can make you feel better (as opposed to why you feel bad). I'll talk more in my next post about this, but there are things (and they're different for each person) that you can do to drag yourself out of the hole you're in.
Lastly, don't blame yourself for the way you feel. That will be--at best--unproductive, and can really make things a lot worse. Depression isn't a figment of your imagination, and it's not a result of something you did (or didn't) do. Would you be to blame if you had MS or another physically debilitating disease? Of course not. Depression is a disease, and it can be a debilitating one. It just is a lot easier to hide from others.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)