Last week was one of the hardest I've had in a long time. Failure on top of difficulty on top of responsibility on top of painful reminders on top of facing fears; it was a perfect storm of depression triggers.
Now, when that happens, my greatest temptation is always to withdraw. I hole up, hide from everyone and try to power through (or, more accurately, weather the storm) on my own. I reject invitations, I avoid most human contact, I hit the Netflix queue hard and I keep the Kleenex close.
The biggest lies I always face are that I'm worthless and that I'm alone. Both have complex origins, but I think they're also pretty common among people who struggle with depression.
The beautiful thing about last week is that I never WAS alone. I got a random very nice text from a friend who had no idea what was going on. I--of course--ignored it at the time. One friend insisted on coming over and just sitting together, even silently, knowing that I just needed some care. Another friend realized I was crashing and called to apologize that he couldn't be there, and then texted me: "You have value. You have worth. Even if it feels remote or non-existent. I love you, brother." This last one especially highlights the value of being vulnerable enough to be known (I feel another post coming on soon...).
None of those things fixed the struggles I was and am facing. But each of them put a crack in the brick wall of despair I had built around myself. Taken together, they allowed me to see light and to begin the process of taking down the wall with the help and support of people who give a damn, even when I kinda don't.
Now, I know that you may not have such friends. I haven't always. I am deeply grateful to be blessed with them. But, behind each of those acts, behind their love, is a greater love, one that orchestrated exactly what I needed to keep me going. Even when I felt most alone, I never truly was. God was in it every step of the way, and when I lost sight of him, he sent my friends to remind me.
God will never leave you or forsake you. Oh, I know it feels that way. And when you're down in it, it may be impossible to see him. But he will give you the grace to persevere. And, I hope, he will send you someone to just sit with you when you really, really need it.
