Personal Update

It's been many months again since I've posted. I decided it's high time I get a little more disciplined in my writing, alternating between this blog and my other one.  Alas, school will probably get in the way of that, but it's a nice thought!

I thought my first post back should be an update on my own depression. I'll try to keep it brief and to the point. 

In February, after much resistance on my part and much insistence on the part of some friends (and due to finally having health insurance!), I went to see a doctor. I was re-diagnosed with a mood disorder, though because of the long-term nature of it, my doctor told me it's something called dysthymia. It is essentially a milder and longer-lasting form of depression, which is sometimes punctuated by major depressive episodes. Well, names are fun, and all, but I didn't feel like this was helpful information on its own.

When I went back soon after, my doctor prescribed an anti-depressant (bupropion) and the next several weeks were spent tweaking dosages. Since settling on a dose, I have noticed three major things: 

1) It is much easier to focus, be organized, be successful in school, care for others and take care of myself when I'm not having to fight just to get out of bed. 

2) My baseline mood is better. It is still fairly easy for me to drop into a depressed state, but with some coping mechanisms I've learned on my own over the years, as well as some learned through counseling, things are much better.

3) Medication isn't a cure-all. I still have bad days. Even weeks. But it's a bit easier to come out of, and combining a medication with counseling is certainly more effective than just the medication.

All that to say, if you are--or someone you care about is--exhibiting symptoms of depression, do not be afraid of seeking professional medical help, or encouraging them to do so. Drugs aren't scary. They don't mean you're weak. They mean you're sick, and they can help you feel better. Ditto for counseling. Think of it as the equivalent of physical therapy for your emotions. The biggest lie depression tells people is that they deserve to feel the way they do. Well, you don't. And there's help!

Watching what I watch

You probably know that people with depression shouldn't drink alcohol. It can make an already bad situation worse and it can really mess with the emotions. I have a standing policy to not drink unless I'm around other people, and to only have a couple drinks tops in any given evening.  Just to be on the safe side.

I find, though, that there are, at least for me, other things I consume that can be at least as destructive as alcohol. I'm talking about media.

The ever-enthralling Netflix.

For me, my mood and mental well-being can be influenced—at times, heavily influenced—by what I watch and listen to. I am naturally drawn to darker narratives, dystopian societies, things that reflect real life, regardless of how fantastical the genre. I love these stories, but given my proclivity toward depression, these aren't always healthy choices.  If I feel like life's all wrong, Battlestar Galactica and House aren't going to make me feel better. There are even very popular shows that I avoid specifically because of their darkness (e.g., Breaking Bad and Mad Men).

Likewise, there is a lot of music that I like that is all about questioning the status quo, seeking answers, struggling and hurting. To me, this seems more real than sappy love songs, peppy dance music and vapid pop. At the same time, it can build up a real negative effect. When I'm down, Linkin Park isn't the greatest thing to flip to on my iPod.

So I try to loop in some lighter material. A little Scrubs and some Chris Ayer. Sometimes, it needs to be more overtly positive, and I'll dig out some hymns.

The point is, examine what you're taking in. What do you choose to watch and listen to? Does it bring you down or lift you up? There's absolutely a place for the realistic-and-frequently-saddening things you might love. But when you're feeling especially bad, maybe reach for something else.

I am not alone ... and neither are you

When I said there might be long breaks between posts, I didn't expect to take almost eight months to come back. Life has been crazy. Crazy good and crazy hard, but pretty much always crazy.

Last week was one of the hardest I've had in a long time. Failure on top of difficulty on top of responsibility on top of painful reminders on top of facing fears; it was a perfect storm of depression triggers.

Now, when that happens, my greatest temptation is always to withdraw. I hole up, hide from everyone and try to power through (or, more accurately, weather the storm) on my own. I reject invitations, I avoid most human contact, I hit the Netflix queue hard and I keep the Kleenex close.

The biggest lies I always face are that I'm worthless and that I'm alone. Both have complex origins, but I think they're also pretty common among people who struggle with depression.

The beautiful thing about last week is that I never WAS alone. I got a random very nice text from a friend who had no idea what was going on. I--of course--ignored it at the time. One friend insisted on coming over and just sitting together, even silently, knowing that I just needed some care. Another friend realized I was crashing and called to apologize that he couldn't be there, and then texted me: "You have value. You have worth. Even if it feels remote or non-existent. I love you, brother." This last one especially highlights the value of being vulnerable enough to be known (I feel another post coming on soon...).

None of those things fixed the struggles I was and am facing. But each of them put a crack in the brick wall of despair I had built around myself. Taken together, they allowed me to see light and to begin the process of taking down the wall with the help and support of people who give a damn, even when I kinda don't.

Now, I know that you may not have such friends. I haven't always. I am deeply grateful to be blessed with them. But, behind each of those acts, behind their love, is a greater love, one that orchestrated exactly what I needed to keep me going. Even when I felt most alone, I never truly was. God was in it every step of the way, and when I lost sight of him, he sent my friends to remind me.

God will never leave you or forsake you. Oh, I know it feels that way. And when you're down in it, it may be impossible to see him. But he will give you the grace to persevere. And, I hope, he will send you someone to just sit with you when you really, really need it.